An Open Heart: Attempt #2

I am going to try this again.  For those of you who felt spoken to by what I wrote originally I am glad if what I said struck a chord for you but I think I will try again to say my feelings in a way that may not be misinterpreted. 

I have HUGE insecurity issues and going to the mall brings those out.  So generally I try to avoid shopping.  I know that I have a problem and I can't coerce others to change, I can only work on changing myself.  I will not single handedly be able to keep designers from charging outrageous prices for things because of a label, nor will I be able to single handedly be able to soften the hearts of people who look down on others by appearance.  Some of those experiences have been real and others I acknowledge were my insecure mind running away with me and believing others thought the worst of me. What I can change is my own heart and I am trying to do that.  I do not intend for my blog to seem self-absorbed or my vulnerable heart to be selfish.  It's hard to change without being introspective and it's hard to be introspective without it becoming slightly self-involved.  I am reading Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity (I know, do I need that or what?) Right in the middle she has a long prayer that you are to read out loud to God with blanks throughout it to personalize to your particular situation.  It is almost 8 pages long and talk about an emotional cleansing.  I have read through it several times and it takes a lot out of me, it strikes multiple major chords with me.  I knew I needed to read it again today.  As I did the end of the prayer perhaps better summarized what I was trying to say yesterday, of how I need to change:

Lord, please restore to my soul all that insecurity has stolen from me.  Overturn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good.  Perform a miracle on me, Lord.  Cover me with Your trustworthy hand.  Clothe me with strength and dignity.  Transform what drives me.  Quell what triggers me.  Make me a courageous woman in this harrowing culture.  One who refuses to be reduced and defined by the media.  Help me to make concious decisions about whether or not the cost of what they're selling is worth buying. Give me the discernment to call a lie a lie.  Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security.  I actively and deliberately receive - and vow to keep receiving - everything that I have requested in Your will this day. 

This is a better summary of the battle raging inside of me.  And hopefully it is able to be interpreted as a humble and contrite spirit that is not passing judgement but trying to change.  I want to be able to give back to the world in God's name and quite honestly I have been living so long as a broken vessel that I seriously doubt that my contribution has been great.  I am mad at myself for missed opportunities, for the chances I have wasted feeling sorry for myself and believing lies.  I know where those attacks come from whether internal or external and they are not of God. 

I really just want to move past the darkness of today and hope for lighter days tomorrow.  I made dinner for my family, it was a recipe I was hoping to share.  I don't know if it really wasn't great or if I just couldn't enjoy it today.  I will re-evaluate later and share it if it is worthwhile. I am holding to the claim that I am a work in progress.  I am sorry for those times I don't get it right.