The surgeon called, instructed me on alternate medication and treatment techniques to get back "ahead of the pain" because we had "fallen behind." That phrase got to me, "It wasn't my fault!" I wanted to shout to the heavens, I was misinformed and given the wrong tools to care for him. He said was able to give him Motrin and 10 min after I got off the phone and administered it my husbands temperature dropped back down to normal and he was resting comfortably in bed. My heart felt settled and we were even joking about the events of the day and although I felt awful that my in-laws were sleeping on the couch (THEY INSISTED!) I went up to bed alone.
For the last few months my husband and I have had an inside joke that may sound kind of insensitive to you all now but we referred to him as "dead" in light of all that he had been unable to do. As I climbed into bed last night all by myself and looked at that void where my husband is supposed to be, the fears and anxieties came pouring out of my eyes and my heart and I sobbed (yet again!) wondering if indeed the husband I had once known was gone forever. I had spent the day doing things that you do for your children or think you at least won't have to do for your spouse until your fading years. "What if he never can go to the bathroom by himself again? How am I going to go to work on Tuesday?" I revelled in the courage and strength of those remarkable individuals I know who have cared for their spouses withering health and faced the death of their loved one way too early. After all I have faced with my daughter in the last few years could I really be this weak-hearted? Where was the tough Amanda I thought I had become? I must have fallen asleep crying and laying these thoughts at the throne of God. Falling asleep crying is never a good thing for me. I awoke this morning with a pounding migraine. A common problem for me that I am often treated lovingly by my husband for. But he wasn't there, he was "dead". I hiked up my "big girl panties" and scurried around to heat my rice bag, take my excedrin, start the neck exercises and self massage needed for pain relief. It wasn't working. I crept into my husbands "sick room" and he was laying on his side and I crawled up next to him and the tears flowed, "I know you just had surgery....but I really need you." My husband reassured me that he was much better, not "dead", had no pain laying there and began to massage my head and as the tears flowed my pain melted away.
We were able to began to start the activities of the day and a calm came over all of us. I became acutely aware of the lyrics of a favorite song of mine:
He Defeated The Grave
Raised To Life
Our God Is Able
In His Name We Overcome
For The Lord
Our God Is Able
Here it is in completion for your listening enjoyment:
I want to share one more thing, as I lay feeling small and alone last night, I reached for the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, last nights entry read:
"Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. You are reminded that the road we are traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus; my continual Presence and the hope of heaven."
That is what I read as the tears stopped and sleep came. And I am holding those thoughts close today. Full of hope and resting in his promises again from the song:
God Is With Us
He Will Go Before
He Will Never Leave Us
He Will Never Leave Us
Thank you for your continued prayers!