So that leaves today to talk about spiritual matters. Maybe some of you are thinking oh no, not more of her melodrama and now once a week! Yikes! Sorry. But my spirit, my relationship with God, that is what feeds my fire, stirs my heart, it's why I have to write. It is the only way I know to get that out and it is something I have always felt that I HAD to do, whether I have one person who reads it or a thousand and one, I need to write. It is who I am. Which is sort of what I wanted to talk about today.....
Who I am. Who am I? Do you know who you are? I was having a heart to heart with someone last year and she said, "It really seems as though you are just now discovering who you are. Like for so long you have been busy being who others want and need you to be; mother, wife, daughter, friend. But do you even know who you are?" This stuck with me for awhile as I digested this analysis. I knew it was completely and totally accurate. So much of what drives me is being the best I can be in those roles and putting those people before myself. And I don't say that because I feel particularly noble or as some sort of emotional martyr, it's just that at the crux of so many of my problems is a dysfunction in my view of my own self worth and I think I developed the mentality that if I can succeed in my relationships with others, then I will earn a feeling of worthiness. I have never in all my adult (and face it my adolescent) life thought highly enough of myself that I would have something to offer that would be noticed as worthy, worthy of friendship, worthy of love. In fact as a young teen I remember thinking that as someone whose first name is defined "worthy of love" in the dictionary that maybe Webster had forgotten to add the punctuation and it really should be interpreted "worthy of love?"
In recent years of all those roles I have struggled so desperately to honor the role of Mother has definitely come to the forefront and particularly Mom to my youngest. I think I have explained previously that my youngest daughter was born with a birth defect that requires a great deal of medical care and plastic surgery. In three years she has had nine surgeries with her tenth rapidly approaching. And as expected these struggles take a toll on any family dealing with this. We have had our fair share of dark days but we also for the most part live completely normal lives despite this situation. However I know that in an unhealthy manner I have let it consume my life for the last three years. I don't think I had a real great handle on who I was anyway but when this overturned our life I think I went on sheer will and determination and transformed into....My Daughter's Mother. That's it. I noticed about six months or so ago, I was winding my way through church one Sunday morning and three different people stopped and asked me about my daughter. It's an innocent enough question, "How is she doing?" but they were all so close together that I noticed it was not me that they asked about but her. Over the last six months I have been acutely aware after that day how by my estimation at least 70% of people I interact with in social settings, ask me about her well being and nothing else. This growing trend was what led me to realize, they don't know me as anything other than her Mom. I want you to understand I absolutely don't begrudge the support, love and prayers we receive on her behalf. Nor do I consider it anything other than my fault for my own lack of social interaction. However the Big Hurt comes in when I think how can anyone know me when I don't know myself, am not comfortable in my own skin? How can I change and become more intuned to who I am and who God wants me to be?
As a young girl I had often thought of "Dying to Self" being a one-time event at a conversion experience. You accept Christ as your Savior. Check. You die to self. Check. You make him Lord of your life. Check check. But dying to self, truly dying, is a day by day, sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute death that must be applied over and over again with discipline and determination. Luke 9:23-24 says Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. As I seek to find who I am as a separate and unique person, as a child wholly and dearly loved perhaps I need to remember that who I am is not nearly as important as who I am in Christ! If that is not evident for all, than all is lost. My role as Mom to both my girls is a cherished and blessed part of my life that I wouldn't trade a second of. My desire to be loved and appreciated for my own gifts and talents is a brokenness that I need to daily surrender at the foot of the cross. My Savior can heal this Hurt. I can lay still and quiet and hear his voice thrumming loudly in my ear from Psalms 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I can declare myself "Worthy of Love" in the sight of the Lord because he displayed this love in his sacrifice on the Cross.
You will never believe this but I am now going to include a song ;)
THE HURT AND THE HEALER
Why? The question that is never far away
But healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus, please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have, all that remains
So here I am, what's left of me
When glory meets my suffering
I'm alive. Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe. Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord, take hold and pull me through
So here I am, what's left of me
When glory meets my suffering
I'm alive. Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of weakness we must bow
And hear you say "It's over now"
Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
There are so many lyrics in there that I just love. I have a Hurt, many hurts. But more incredibly I have a Healer. When my face down in the dirt humanity comes eye to eye with His Majesty? It's no contest. I am overcome. My favorite line is at the end "come and break my fear, wake my heart, and take my tears. Find your glory even here. When the hurt and the healer collide." The fears I have about not being lovable are a constant thorn in my flesh. He comes to "wake our hearts" to the truth of his love. I am totally picturing a dramatic scene from an old episode of ER, nurses and doctors running circles around someone who has flatlined. All the monitors are screeching and beeping indicating loss of life. God of the universe reaches down with his giant Holy AED paddles and yells "CLEAR!" and delivers a jolt to our dead-to-self mess of a life. He brings us back to life, new life in Him. He takes our tears, all the shame, hurts, regrets, takes it all away. And then the perfect miracle of it all, he can find His glory there. By us dying to self and giving over to who he wants to make us to be, we bring him glory. That is extravagant, radiant love.
I wear my heart right out there on the old proverbial sleeve for you all to see. That is part of me, I know that. Big ole' sensitive ball of emotions. I don't do it for attention or pity. I do it for the majesty in the humanity. If my experience even slightly touches on something you have thought or felt and if God gives me the courage to be vulnerable enough to give you some encouragement from Him than that is a blessing far beyond any I feel worthy to partake in. I wish you all a wonderful weekend! I wish you to give your Hurts to the Healer for some TLC. I wish you to feel new life filling your lungs, new blood beating strongly in your hearts, that you will feel inspired to dance, to laugh, to share, to hug someone, to do the things that make you feel bold, and proud, and good, and unique. And know that God and I are smiling with you!
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