His voice...

Tonight was hard for me.
And try as we might sometimes we aren't brave.  Sometimes we cry long and hard. Sometimes we don't feel heard or understood or loved.  Sometimes we are angry.  Sometimes we feel broken.  This is the human condition.  To feel.  Sometimes when I feel low or small or unworthy or destroyed, I go to speak and no sound comes out.  I have no voice. 

When you feel your voice is silenced, you learn....to listen.

Once upon a time there was a pretty basic average college student, and one day her doctor told her she needed to have her thyroid removed.  Bummer.  So she did.  This doctor also said that she would be a bit hoarse for a week or two after surgery.  She was a LOT hoarse.  Like couldn't speak above a whisper, hoarse.  Her fiance called her Chewbacca, hoarse. Difficulty swallowing water, hoarse.  So on the 14th day the girl inquired of her learned Dr, why has my voice not returned.  Of course it was hard for the Dr to hear her but he reassured her that in some cases the nerve can take closer to a month to return.  She waited and waited.  Days turned into weeks.  She couldn't answer questions in class.  She couldn't talk to her family or friends in a noisy place.  And most devastatingly....she couldn't sing.  Not that this ordinary college student was destined for American Idol or anything. She just LOVED to sing.  Especially praise to God in church.  Why Lord? Why would you take away my voice? Why would you take away my instrument of praise to you? Don't you want me to praise you? The girl was heartbroken and would silently cry out to God.  Many weeks she would have to leave church because standing there not singing was equally as devastating as lip syncing her praises.  This seems like such a silly thing to some but it meant so much to this girl.  Weeks turned to months.  The Dr, who was appearing less and less esteemed in the girls eyes as the weeks went on, continued to push back the time limit on when normal voice returns after surgery.  As time went on the girl began to feel that God was speaking to her.   "My child, of course I love when you praise me in song. But that is not the only way you can praise me! You have heard the phrase 'When the Lord closes a door, he always opens a window'. Well I am telling you.  Sometimes when I close your mouth it is so you can open your ears." The child began to listen closely to God, focusing on ways she could hear his voice and ways she could praise him, without a voice.  But still always when in the car, she would open her mouth wide and try to sing a long.  For six months after surgery, no sound would come from her throat when she would try to sing.   But one winter day she was driving home from school and she opened her mouth and out came....

 

And really that was what she had learned.  She wanted to be completely His.  To do what he would have her do.  To go where he would have her go.  To praise him in all ways.  And sometimes to just listen to his voice.  When it feels like the dreams you have seem SO far, he will sing to you of the plans he has for you!

You may have guessed who that ordinary girl was by now.  And even though I feel much changed from that girl.  Really some days I feel stuck back in that same old place.  Silent screaming in the dark cold loneliness of feeling lost in a world that is really broken.  I am not broken.  Jesus Christ makes me whole.  But this world is broken.  And full of loud voices that sometimes drown out my own.  Worse sometimes I let them drown out my Saviors voice.  Today was one of those days.  The voices were all louder.  And when I wanted to write to you.  I tried to speak and nothing came out.  I have had dreams crushed in recent weeks, some I was so baffled on why God would not be excited about "my plan" when it seemed like the best thing for Him and for me.  Other disappointments which were also things I didn't envision for my life and even though I wanted to cry out "Why me God!?" I knew his oh so loving response would be "Why not you?" and I held my tongue.  And decided to listen.  Which of course made me think of another song.  That's right folks this is a two-song post.  Look out.  This is an oldie....

Two best lines:

This is the faith
Patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see
Still we believe
Jesus is very near

And:

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams
that He has dreamed for me

Oh that is so good it kind of hurts.  Perhaps our heroine from the story would have regained her voice a lot sooner if she had learned to listen a little sooner.  Perhaps not.  The key in all this is that it is our job to listen sometimes.  Some of my dreams need to change to look like his dreams.   And I am trying so hard to be a good teachable daughter and get on board with this.  It's something I seem to have to do over and over again.  I saw a cool image the other day that I loved....

 

So there you have it.  If you are looking for me.

I'm in the hallway....

 

Listening....

 

Praising him....

 

But not necessarily by singing

 

John 10:2-4 The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.

Deuteronomy 32:1-4
Listen, you heavens, and I will speak;
hear, you earth, the words of my mouth.
 Let my teaching fall like rain
and my words descend like dew,
like showers on new grass,
like abundant rain on tender plants.

 I will proclaim the name of the Lord.
Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
 He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.

 

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”