vows

I am not someone who has been very lucky in friendships.  I certainly haven't been very lucky in health the last decade or so. In our church our pastor has been speaking a lot lately about marriage and I have been struck on how lucky in love I am. Although I am smart enough to know it isn't luck. James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  My husband and I have such a great relationship and I work hard to tell him regularly how thankful I am for the way he blesses me, how and why I love him and spend time laughing and talking with him.  I really need no greater proof of God's love for me than the fact that he ordained for him to be my husband. Brings to mind a line Victor Hugo penned in the great Les Miserables, "to love another person is to see the face of God." And truly when you open your heart up to love does not the clarity of God's promises to his children unfold like a rose blooming in spring.  This year we have had trials, my husband has been suffering with debilitating back pain since Christmas and it surprised me how it has shaken my own sense of security to the core.  I have joked of late that "this year has had a lot of 'for sicker' and 'for poorer' but I am so grateful that it hasn't had any 'for worse.'" I have clipped my husbands toenails, done the majority of the heavy lifting, done the shoveling (although God blessed me with a miraculously mild winter) and covered the extra work while he invested time going to physical therapy 3x week for nearly 5 months.  And still he is not better, and so yesterday he reluctantly had surgery. In the days and weeks prior I would vacillate between feeling confident and secure from both our experience with our daughter having had 9 surgeries in 3 years and my experience working in the hospital with patients post-operatively and feeling completely overwhelmed as a wife and mother, fearing possible ill outcomes, not wanting to see the love of my life in pain and reduced any more from the pedestal I have put him on. 

Wednesday as we checked in to the hospital our dear mentors from church, who we think of as an extra set of parents God has blessed us with in this world, came to pray with us, and as he read from Hebrews about our High Priest who can relate to our weaknesses because he was also tempted so that we can then "approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."(4:16) I was witness to a calm that came over my husband like I have hardly ever seen. The Holy made visible.  Following his surgery my husband has had pain like I don't think he has ever experienced before.  But over a 24 hr period it has slowly become lessened so we were able to come home.  I won't say that it wasn't hard to see him in pain and weakened but God energized me with the ability to spoon feed him and dress him and maneuver in a world of gait belts and hospital gowns that is foreign to most but at least familiar to me. God enabled me to minister to my husband who has been devoted to me and served me with a beautiful loving heart for the 14 years we have known each other.  And rather than feeling like it was draining me it energized me.  I really felt as though I was standing on holy ground.  I felt as though I was washing Jesus' feet with oil as Mary did, broken and spilled out, as I recalled in his word where Jesus spoke in parable that "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."(Matthew 25:40) It was a blessing to my heart. 

Today my husband grew continuously stronger but the wait to be released from the hospital seemed to get longer and longer.  I was moved to tears when my Mother in law announced her intention to stay longer as the fear and apprehension I was pushing way down deep was reassured that she would be here to help. After completing the endless checklist of requirements for release from the hospital we were finally let go straight into the belly of rush hour traffic and the to do list even just to get home seemed monumental.  And every street I turned down as I had to navigate us through all corners of the greater metropolitan area seemed to lead straight into construction.  Why does there have to be construction every where!? First a 20 min drive to get him a walker from my work.  Then another 20 min to pick up the girls.  I was humbled by the willing servants of three ladies who each had a turn caring for my girls today and even took care of transportation to save me some worries! Then before we got home we had to drop off prescriptions at the pharmacy.  I pulled into the driveway and my youngest exclaimed "I don't know where my lovee (blanket) is!" and began to cry. As the girls and my MIL went in to prepare the way I received a call on my cell. Someone from church said God had laid it on her heart to find a way to bless me she wanted to call and see if she could bring me some of her daughters clothes for hand-me-downs.  I explained that it was 6 o'clock and we were just pulling in from the hospital so now wasn't a great time.  She didn't even know my husband had just had surgery. I was standing there in the 88 deg heat, my husband dozing in the van waiting for me to lead him in, there was a pounding in my ears of a missing lovee, no food, a messy house, a broken husband. Do you have dinner? she inquired....

I can hardly wrap my mind around words to explain what I experienced tonight.  The God who rules the entire universe comes down to Earth and walks around in people.  This dear sweet beautiful woman and her daughter came into our home, gave me the chicken she had been cooking for her family, rice, rolls, veges, gravy and also a gallon of milk, 2 boxes of cereal, and granola bars and applesauce and on and on and on....She brought me GROCERIES! And homemade cookies.  And a big pile of clothes for my kids.  Minutes before she arrived I had felt so defeated.  No matter who I was caring for and how hard I was trying I couldn't do it all.  I had arranged for transportation for my kids but the precious lovee had been left.  I had cared for my husband at the hospital all day but dinner plans had been neglected.  I work with these injuries all the time but hadn't foreseen what equipment would be needed.  I had failed and I felt needy and insecure.  And just as every good gift from heaven this bright shining star of a woman swept through my house like a fresh wind that filled my sails to the uttermost.  I stood in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on the food she brought and wept overwhelming tears of peace, comfort and thankfulness. That God would love me and my family so much that he would serve me, wash my feet really, with the kindness of other people.  It overwhelms me, there is no other word for it! We ate a late dinner at 7 pm and it was probably the best meal ever as we were happy, together, and feeling so blessed.  I said I felt a little like Tiny Tim in the Christmas Carol and if ever there was a moment for a "God bless us, every one" this was it!

The next few weeks will I imagine be a slow steady process of healing for my husband.  And it will be a slow steady process for me of being a patient, loving servant to my husband.  We have always always referred to each other as teammates.  And when one of your teammates is injured sometimes you need a pinch hitter or a base runner (can you tell what sport we watch in our house - Go Tigers go!) and that is my role.  When we said our vows they were for "for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health" and I meant every single word of them.  Completely.  The Scriptures are full of vows God has made to us also "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) pretty clear that he will be here through it all, and our end of the bargain is to be strong and courageous.  That is hard for me. But I can do hard. I have a Savior who spent the last few days lavishing his love on me. 

Shortly after dinner there was a knock at the door, the lovee had returned (no it hadn't driven itself over but was ferried over by our gracious daycare provider who wanted to save us an extra trip! Thank You!!!) Lavished, people, lavished.  I was able to give my girls some much needed snuggle and reading time. We reflected together on the blessings of the day and of course prayed for Daddy. When our family has a struggle, I am constantly wowed by the maturity even my young girls can show. My daughter said "Thank you God because we know you will make Daddy better." A prayer of faith by a small child.  I have been sitting here in a perfect calm writing this reflection and even as I reflect on our vows and the mercies of today a song we sang at our wedding floods my mind,

You are beautiful beyond description

Too marvelous for words

Too wonderful for comprehension

Like nothing ever seen or heard

Who can grasp your infinite wisdom

Who can stand the depth of your love

You are beautiful beyond description

Majesty enthroned above

And I stand I stand in awe of you

I stand I stand in awe of you

Holy God to whom all praise is due

I stand in awe of you.

That is how I summarize today.  I am in awe of God. Thank you for your prayers!