Hebrews 12:1

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

This afternoon is a big cause for reflection.  Reflection of what the last 10 years have meant for me.  Reflection of what the last two years have been like for me.  Reflection of what I have learned in the last 4 months or even the last 3 weeks. And reflecting on what happened this morning.  If I could interview myself 10 years ago asking questions about what I thought I would be doing or accomplishing in the next decade, what the major life experiences would be , what struggles I would face, what joys, I think it would be an even mix of the expected and unexpected.  I was already dating my husband 10 years ago and I knew he was it for me! I assumed that the next 10 years would bring graduation and a degree in a very difficult competitive field which I accomplished.  I also assumed marriage and then kids would follow in due time, along with the house and the dog, all things I expected as part of the natural rhythm of life.  What I did not know was that I would have to have my cancerous thyroid gland removed, 9 years ago now, that I would subsequently put on 80 lbs in a matter of months and that it would have such a profound negative effect on the majority of my 20’s.  That I would literally be plagued with feelings of doubt, self-loathing, anger and at times despair and that I would feel like I would never get out from under it.  And I fear that I would have still been on that path if it wasn’t for two very significant experiences in my life.  

Five and a half years ago, I became a Momma.  My firstborn daughter is a bundle of fire and energy, beauty and enthusiasm and I adore her.  She is a fair mixture of my husband and I although at times I see a lot more of my husbands personality in her.  She is the friendliest 5 year old I have ever met and give her your ear and she will tell you anything you ever wanted to know about us.  Three nights ago I saw her pick up her blanket and her drink, walk over to a group of teenagers we did not know and plop herself down on their blanket at an outdoor concert where she sat for the next hour chatting with them and playing cards with a 17 year old boy who read her books and was quite enamored with this confident and precocious 5 year old girl.  When she was born I knew that I was now the primary female role model in this young girls life.  What was I teaching her about self-esteem and living life by the way I was living? I was basically hiding away from the world in my house, living unhealthily.  And since I decided it wasn’t my “fault” I had decided to spend my time feeling sorry for myself rather than do anything to change.  I knew I needed to change but I didn’t.  Then 2.5 years ago a second blessing was given to me as I had another beautiful little girl.  Double the role model pressure.  Here is the catch though.  This darling girl, who is brave and tough and spunky, who makes me laugh and perhaps has a personality closer to mine, was born with one glaring problem.  She has a birth defect of her skin that puts her in high danger of developing skin cancer and almost immediately we had to begin a treatment regiment that has caused her to have 7 surgeries already in her short life with many more in years to come.  I learn from her every day.  The reality is that my daughter will grow up with marks and scars all over her body that will make her feel “different”, will attract cruel or inquisitive looks and may even be the cause for her to experience ridicule in her life.  And I have the daunting task of loving her through it, of teaching her how to stand up and be proud of herself and to love herself despite any differences she may see in the mirror.  How, dear Lord, am I going to teach her these things, when I don’t even like myself I wondered?  So for the last 2.5 years I have been fretting about this, how to change my life, my circumstances, my attitudes so that I can stand boldly before my girls and say I love myself, I have worth and so do you, and you can do anything you put your mind to. 

 Next major landmark on this journey was when I started this blog almost 4 months ago already.  It was shortly after I started weight watchers.  I knew from many failed attempts to change my life before I needed accountability to spur me on.  Telling you about what is going on keeps me pushing to make bigger and better changes in who I am.  I love to write, I love to cook, and this allowed me to write and share recipes .  In the past I have felt bad about who I was professionally, surely someone who looks like this cannot be an expert in exercise.  However sharing my knowledge through this blog has also bolstered my confidence as a professional.  And somehow, miraculously, a transformation began to take place and I have slowly (sometimes it feels very, very slowly) began to take weight off.  I knew I couldn’t get too far with my focus on eating healthy only.  I knew I had to exercise.  But I had no inspiration to take it up a notch.  I had hit another rut. 

That leads us up to 3 weeks ago Friday.  I saw this video. 

And I found out about this cool guy Ben Davis.  I went to his blog and started reading.  I read about this tour, this cool awesome tour going across the US, doing a 5k every day in 32 cities from Boston to Seattle.  And go figure they were going to be in Detroit the same weekend we would be there for a wedding.  But this is crazy, I can’t run a 5k, I have never run, like ever, or not in what seemed like forever.  Or can I? So 3 weeks ago today, I laced up my shoes and asked my husband if he wanted to go up to the track with me and we did. I ran 1 min, walked 4 for a half an hour.  This past Wednesday after we had already bumped our routine up to the full distance of a 5k we ran the first mile without stopping.  I knew this was as ready as we were going to get.  That brings me to today.

Today, down at the riverfront in Detroit we met with 57 others who are interested in community, living healthier and essentially doing life.  That is the exact antithesis of what I was doing 4 months ago when I was hiding from life.  There were people from all walks of life, all different age groups, all different physical health statuses.  It was awesome. 

Beautiful scenery in Downtown Motor City at the Riverwalk, only wish it wasn't such a scorcher!

Taking off, you can see a hint of my pink hat and my husbands green shirt!

 A few months ago I probably would have considered myself the least likely person in the world to run in a 5k (let alone run).  Even things like walking up to complete strangers and introducing myself was something I just didn’t do a few months ago, because I wasn’t doing life.  And today I did.  It wasn’t the best running time we have had (we finished just under 50 minutes), it wasn’t the best feeling run we have had (it was nearly 90 degrees) and I wasn’t able (as I secretly hoped) to bust out and run the whole thing without stopping.  I had my ever loyal husband by my side encouraging me (I am fairly certain he could run the whole 5k but he keeps reassuring me “I am doing this to be with you!” I am a lucky girl.) 

Here we are on the first half and I had to do the Ben Davis' finger point for him!

My husband took my picture at the turnaround! Halfway done!

After the turnaround, another action shot courtesy of Ben

 When we rounded the last corner, my eyes filled with tears, I was overcome by how much I was growing and stretching myself.  There wasn’t a lot of fanfare at this race, everyone who came, ran, so there weren’t really people cheering for you as you crossed the finish line.  Just a bunch of tired people who came before you and were recovering from their own success.  But my husband dashed ahead to take a picture of me about to cross the finish line.  He was there. 

 I am grateful to Ben Davis and his inspiration of starting this movement and teaching me about Doing Life.

Here we are with the man himself.

One of my favorite things about Ben is he didn't just show up as a Internet viral video that got a million hits and then faded into oblivion. Where you think "Oh good for him, what about me?"  He is still putting his story out there, he is still struggling and working to maintain.  He still weighs in and shares his progress.  He has struggles and he finds accountability where he needs it.  He gave his dad full authority over his eating for the summer because he knows that is an area he struggles with and he needs help.  I am inspired by his story and the story of others there like a woman who has already lost 175 lbs and just started running three days ago and came out to the race!  Or a young girl who just graduated from high school and feels frustrated that she is the only one in her family who seem concerned with health.  When she brought home fruit from the grocery store her brother had never even seen a pear before.  Another girl who’s first race ever was a marathon.  Many different faces, many inspiring stories. 

And we were there among them

I honestly actually have a very bittersweet feeling.  I am obviously happy and proud that I have started this transformation, that I finished the race.  But I am still caught up with feeling tired, sore, not able to run as far or as fast as I want to, not able to lose weight as fast as I want to.  Not knowing the end of my story, if I will ever cross the finish line in my mind where I can feel like I am a woman worthy of having my girls look up to me. All I can do is something that I had to keep telling myself to do this morning, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I hope that whatever is holding you back, what ever hurdles on the track of your life you find the inspiration, the will and the courage to spread your wings and soar right over them.  It is definitely better to do life then to hide from it.   I look forward to finding more and more barriers to knock down. Thank you all for your encouragement and for listening to me as I speak with an honest heart.